A Flash Back.....2012 Memoir
The memories of 2012 are crystal clear, down to the light blue color of the sheets on our California king Tempurpedic bed. Without even pulling my journal from the closet I could recollect what it said. I'm not sure....well actually....I know....that Chris has never seen this journal of mine. And I've never shared it with anyone. It isn't well-maintained. Rather, it is snippets of time, of life, from when I had to let things off my heart.
This past week it was recommended to me to check out the book "Hourglass" by Dani Shapiro. I immediately went to the Apple bookstore and searched for the audiobook, eager to read the short summary. I'm one of those people who can read four books at once, all different of course - a business book, a self-improvement audiobook, a memoir, a fiction novel. (I'll list my current selections at the end of this post.) But when I started reading Shapiro's summary it reminded me of my life.....our life....Chris and me.....over the past five years. The rawness of the story and the candid nature of her voice delivering the audiobook. After recapping a few entries from 2012, when Chris was diagnosed with the brain tumor, I decided to write another entry in mine.
They go just like this.....
1. Pray 2. Take yourself to either Bora Bora or an African Safari 3. Stay Positive
These are my choices when the mind goes off to a bad place. Chris and I agree on these. He likes to go to Mazatlan, Mexico or Hawaii surfing. Last night he had a dream he started a baseball show in Branson, MO. We usually wake up at 3am just to talk. It's actually nice. Our lives changed about a week ago. But as this is something we cannot change we chose positivity and fullness of life to carry on. This will make us stronger. We will find a cure. And we will change the lives of thousands of others.....if not millions. Guaranteed. That's all. Chris is watching Cardinals/Washington Nationals Game 2 NLDS. I'm sitting at my desk. Chris is laying on the bed. I need to join him.....and change the channel to The Voice. :) Bye. (things haven't changed much)
Surgery started at 8:35am and we were to get an update every two hours. I must have told him I loved him 200 times and him the same to me. But there was a calm over me. We had prayed so much and with our faith strong we knew God was with us. I'll continue tomorrow. Gnite.
Well we survived....well we are still surviving. lol I didn't log in here to pick up where I left off. I actually was planning on changing this journal to a different topic. But rereading the first few entries from 2012 brought me right back.
The good thing is....we still live in this way, cherishing moments and each other. The tumor showed up again in December 2016....snapped us right back. Made us think twice yet again. And twice is enough for me. I'm changed for good.
I'm reading "Hourglass" by Dani Shapiro. She mentions Joan Gideon - "on keeping a notebook"
"I think we are well-advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be. Whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise, they turn up unannounced and surprise use. Come hammering on the minds' door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them. And who is going to amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget."
Sometimes I feel like an old woman trapped (not trapped.....bad word) living in a younger woman's body. I zoom out often. By this I mean, I look at my life as a whole often...at where I am for my age, at how I love, at how I can better or make more of myself. I look at my gratefulness for my ability to see things this way. I thank God often. I know that it's not me but him steering me. I just don't talk about it often. :)
Message to myself......Keep pressing forward. Keep moving. Keep doing you.
Current books I'm enjoying.